September 2007

So, what's "The Light Side..."? "The Light Side..." is a collection of parody news stories that we write to highlight the crazy world of PayPal. The first series debuted in August 2007. During the coming months you will see new stories and new characters. Stories and characters will come back in future editions. So if you choose to follow the stories here, you can always expect twists, turns and updates on almost everything you read here. After all, we have to keep an eye on Jacob J. Snuggles, PayPal's celebrity Fraud Agent, find out how President Bush's PayPal appeal is going, find out if the snack machine in PayPal's break room got off limited status or find out what's going on with PayPal's new Anti-Fraud Death Star!

Please keep in mind the spirit of "The Light Side..." is humor. While there is truth mixed in with our stories, these stories are intended for satire only and must be taken with a "grain of salt." If you don't have a lot of background information on PayPal or know what is really going on with them, you might miss some of the humor associated with these stories. The humor is subtle and dry, but it is there to make a point. Either way, even if you "don't get it," enjoy it. At least try to crack a smile...

If you want to catch a story that you missed, enter The Light Side... ARCHIVE at the bottom of the page.

NEXT UPDATE: October 15, 2007 (Due to positive reader feedback, we are now updating this section every two weeks, as apposed to monthly)



Washington, D.C. -- The White House stunned the world today when President Bush gave a surprise announcement to a joint session of Congress yesterday evening. The scheduled appearance to Congress was supposed to be an update on America's war with terror. Under the Bush Administration, terror and terrorism has become a top priority since the September 11 attacks on New York City. In a 2002 joint session of Congress, President Bush called upon the world to rally against what he called, the "Axis of Evil."

In mentioning Iraq, Iran and North Korea, President Bush said, "States like these, and their terrorist allies, constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of the world." During yesterday's address to Congress, President Bush returned to the topic, but with a surprising twist. The online Payment services company, PayPal Inc., apparently has been added to Bush's "Axis of Evil" list.

"Organizations and countries that use terror as a weapon against their own citizens, and against citizens of the world, need to be confronted by freedom loving persons everywhere," Bush said to loud applause. "Evil organizations and countries such as PayPal, Iran, North Korea and the island nation of Haiti constitute an axis of evil, their only mission to spread evil, chaos and destruction to all those who may oppose them."

There was speculation that President Bush included PayPal in his speech due to a problem that he has with his own PayPal account. Last month, while appearing on the "Larry King Live" program, Bush was informed by his Chief of Staff that PayPal had limited his account with approximately $4,000 in it. White House Spokesman, Tony Snow, denied the allegation saying, "President Bush made an independent decision based on intelligence that PayPal was an imminent threat to the public safety. The fact that PayPal limited the President's PayPal account with no justification has no bearing on what the President announced tonight."

The Haitian Ambassador to the United States released a statement via homing pigeon claiming, "The Haitian people will make a Voodoo doll so big Bush will feel his balls burn for years." The Haitian Ambassador then outlined his case that his country was no threat to anybody.


PayPal Reveals New Anti-Fraud Measure

San Jose , California -- Continuing PayPal's aggressive war on fraud, PayPal released a statement today saying that "Terminators" would be sent back into the past to "deal with" persons who have committed fraud using the PayPal system. The statement said this was a bold and effective strategy to bring "persons to justice."

It is well known that PayPal keeps records of those suspected of using the PayPal service for fraud. PayPal has also made it a point of pride to publicize their well known .5% fraud rate. However, this number has been frozen over the last 12 months, moving neither up nor down. In an effort to push this number down further, and to eventually reach the unheard of 0% fraud rate, PayPal announced this new initiative.

According to the released statement, PayPal will send these robotic "Terminators" into the past to eliminate persons before they get the chance to commit fraud using the PayPal system. Doing this, PayPal hopes, will push the fraud rate numbers down further by ensuring that the fraud never takes place to begin with.

The scientific community is skeptical about the the announcement that PayPal actually possesses the technology to send anything back in time -- or send anything into the future. Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking was stopped after an all night beer chugging contest at Cambridge University and asked for his comments on the issue.

Hawking said, "This says that certain quantities, like the position and speed of a particle, can't both have well defined values. The more accurately the position of a particle is defined, the greater is the uncertainty in its speed, and vice versa. The uncertainty principle also applies to fields, like the electro-magnetic field, or the gravitational field. It implies that these fields can't be exactly zeroed, even in what we think of as empty space."

Contacted at his San Jose office, new PayPal President, C. Montogmery Burns, had only this to say about the Terminator Program: "Excellent."


PayPal's new Anti-Fraud Deathstar

Surprise Announcement: PayPal Moves Headquarters to Anti-Fraud Death Star

San Jose , California -- PayPal spokesperson, Memnock Horn announced PayPal Inc. will be moving its operations and headquarters to the yet-to-be-completed Anti-Fraud Death Star. The move is scheduled to take place on January 1, 2008.

PayPal officially acknowledged the existence of the moon sized Death Star in a statement last month. PayPal expects the new Anti-Fraud Death to be fully operation in time for Christmas. Mr. Horn would not comment on the reasons for the move, however speculation is rampant that PayPal is making the move to head off mushrooming lawsuits and increasing criticism from large numbers of the general public.

PayPal is accused of freezing customer accounts for no reason, limiting access to customer's funds for 180 days or longer, aiding and abetting fraud and scams, failing to provide adequate security for easily hacked PayPal accounts, lobbing serious accusations at customers with no proof, and destroying the reputations and businesses of millions of persons.

Famed attorney and Harvard professor, Alan Dershowitz speculated that PayPal, being located in outer space, would be out of the operational jurisdictions of every law enforcement agency and court in the world. Said Dershowitz, "It's brilliant. From a legal standpoint there is absolutely nothing on the books that even remotely covers a situation like this. How do you sue an entity that is not even based on this planet?"

PayPal's Chief Technical Officer, Scott Simpson, was publicly fired for "lack of imagination." To explain some of the details of PayPal's new operations center and headquarters, new PayPal Chief Technical Officer, the Borg Queen, was introduced. After making a brief statement, Borg Queen took questions. When asked about what new technological and anti-fraud innovations PayPal would be coming with in the future, she paused before answering. PayPal's new Chief Technical Officer & Senior Anti-Fraud Advisor, the Borg Queen, announced only that, "All current and former PayPal account holders will be Assimilated." Asked to elaborate on what "assimilation" entails, CTO Borg Queen urged the general public to find out by logging into their PayPal accounts at "2000 Hours, February 1, 2008."

eBay/PayPal spokesperson Memnock Horn promised more announcements in the near future concerning PayPal's plan and the public impact that their planned moved will have.


"Forces of Evil" Purchase PayPal

New York, New York -- The financial world was taken by storm today as CNN reported that a group of individuals, calling themselves the "Forces of Evil," completed a surprisingly quick -- and secretive -- hostile takeover of eBay/PayPal (ticker symbol EBAY).

The announcement was made by Memnock Horn, new eBay/PayPal spokesperson. Mr. Horn began his announcement to visibly stunned financial news reporters by saying, "At 12:01 am, the Forces of Evil has completed its hostile takeover of the company known as eBay. PayPal is also under our control -- and has been for some time," demurred the silk tounged Horn. Mr. Horn continued his announcement by saying eBay/PayPal will continue plans on completing the new Anti-Fraud Death Star. Further stunning the world, Mr. Horn announced, "PayPal will be moving its world wide operations/headquarters to the new Anti-Fraud Deathstar effective January 1, 2008."

PayPal officially acknowledged the existence of the Death Star last month after years of dodging rumors that it was building something in outer space. The moon sized Death Star is promised to be operational "in time for the Holiday Season," according to a statement released last month by PayPal.

Mr. Horn promised the general public that PayPal will continue to operate in the same manner that it has always operated in. When asked why the Forces of Evil were not seizing this opportunity to address the public's concern about frozen PayPal accounts, limited access to customer funds, high fraud and hacked PayPal accounts, Mr. Horn said, " Such activities is what drew us to this company in the first place. We were searching for a company which most represented the values that we are fighting for." When asked what those "values" were, Mr. Horn snapped back, "Evil and chaos you fool. Evil and chaos."

 

 

Ending the surprise press conference, PayPal spokesperson Horn announced that former atomic power plant owner C. Montgomery Burns will take over as PayPal President, replacing the missing current PayPal President Rajiv Dutta. Mr. Dutta was last seen on Thursday night leaving his office. Resourceful He-Man enemy,Skeletor, will replace Meg Whitman as eBay President & Chief Executive Officer.

Memnock Horn made a memorable exit by disappearing in a cloud of smoke. eBay stock closed up $2.31 to finish the day at $41.40.


 

PayPal Responsible for the Continued Success of the Fax Machine

San Jose , California -- Americans hailed the existence of the VCR for years. Then CD's and DVD's came along. As is the natural order of things, the VCR soon gave way to the DVD player and VCR's seemed all but a distant memory. With the advent and revolution in online technology, many experts have been predicting the demise of the fax machine as well.

Today, consumers can communicate with each other instantly through email, chat, online fax functions and person to person transfers. The idea of placing a sheet of paper into a fax machine and uploading private information through insecure and easily penetrated public phone lines seems ridiculous by today's technological standards. For that reason, the fax machine should have gone out of fashion almost five years ago. What has kept the fax machine in vogue?

PayPal. A new study released today by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology revealed some surprising data. The study, completed by dozens of MIT graduate students and business professors, concluded the demand for new fax machines stems from the "millions and millions of accounts that PayPal has limited, suspended or frozen."

It is estimated that over 45 million PayPal accounts are in some stage of limitation or suspension. The online payment services company, PayPal, requires persons to use a fax machine to send personal information and documents to them in order for the company to review their case further. Buttressing the claim, MIT claimed that PayPal requires its customers to fax them the same information multiple times.

If a PayPal customer does not have a fax machine, they cannot submit their information to PayPal. The customer will then, in turn, purchase a new fax machine for the sole purpose of communicating with PayPal. Such activities over the past 7 years has "delayed the demise of the fax machine." Said MIT professor Paris U. Finley, "Under normal circumstances, the fax machine would have fallen out of favor with the general public about five years ago. However, apparently, the data supports that theory that PayPal has artificially created more demand for the use of the fax machine than what normally would have occurred should PayPal have never even existed or had this fax policy."

Major fax machine manufacturing companies such as Toshiba, Hewlett-Packard, Konica and Brother welcomed the news. Toshiba CEO, Tadashi Okamura, welcomed the news saying, "The facts support what we have been saying all this time. The fax machine is an indispensable part of doing business with United States companies."

As more customers sign up with PayPal, and as many of those new customers find themselves in hot water with PayPal, the sale and use of fax machines are projected to increase in the coming years -- contrary to what all the experts have been predicting all this time.


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