Happy Halloween America!

Happy Halloween you guys. Here's October 2007. So, what's "The Light Side..."? "The Light Side..." is a collection of parody news stories that we write to highlight the crazy world of PayPal. The first series debuted in August 2007. During the coming months you will see new stories and new characters. Stories and characters will come back in future editions. So if you choose to follow the stories here, you can always expect twists, turns and updates on almost everything you read here. After all, we have to keep an eye on Jacob J. Snuggles, PayPal's celebrity Fraud Agent, find out how President Bush's PayPal appeal is going, find out if the snack machine in PayPal's break room got off limited status or find out what's going on with PayPal's new Anti-Fraud Death Star!

Please keep in mind the spirit of "The Light Side..." is humor. While there is truth mixed in with our stories, these stories are intended for satire only and must be taken with a "grain of salt." If you don't have a lot of background information on PayPal or know what is really going on with them, you might miss some of the humor associated with these stories. The humor is subtle and dry, but it is there to make a point. Either way, even if you "don't get it," enjoy it. At least try to crack a smile...

If you want to catch a story that you missed, enter The Light Side... ARCHIVE at the bottom of the page.



Los Angeles, California -- After vanishing from public view after another arrest on drug charges, west coast rapper Snoop Dog emerged today from the Los Angeles County Courthouse with a stunning announcement. Snoop Dog, who was sentenced to 160 days probation for possession of a controlled substance, announced he was launching a rival online payment service called "Soul Bonz." The target? PayPal.

"Yeah, dem MOFOs gotta be stopped, know what I'm sayin? Dem chumps froze my dog's cheddar and dat ain't right," explained the top selling rap artist. "So while I was away and recoverin' from plastic surgery and what not, I gots this idea, that I can take on PayPal with my own service -- Soul Bonz."

After being arrest on drug charges several months ago, Snoop Dog went into hiding and emerged for his court appearance today showing the results of his recent plastic surgery. "I gotta be me. The world's gotta know what Snoop Dog is and what the Dog's gonna do," he commented when questioned about his unusual appearance.

After several off topic comments, Snoop Dog returned to the theme of his announcement. "I wanna announce y'all dat PayPal's goin' down. We's gonna make Soul Bonz da biggest onlines payment service not only in the Hood, but in da 'burbs too, y'all." Users of Snoop Dog's online payment service will log into their accounts and send money to an email address. Users will then click on a "ghetto bone" to retrieve their money. "The more bonz ya got, the more chedder's in your bowl. Know what I'm sayin?", opined the millionaire rapper.

PayPal spokesperson, Mehmet Horn, refused comment, only saying, "This fool will learn the full power of PayPal." When contacted at his San Jose, California office, new PayPal President, C. Montgomery Burns commented that the idea was "excellent." Shortly thereafter, he "released the hounds."

Support among the public is high for an alternative online payment service to PayPal. A recent CNN/Time poll put such support among the public at over 85%. PayPal has been dogged by charges of arbitrary account closures, limitations and lack of access to customer's funds. While the poll did not indicate what level of support Snoop Dog's online payment service may have, it does indicate that there is ample room for new services to appear.


President Bush Told PayPal Appeal Denied

Washington, D.C. -- While visiting a local Washington watering hole, President Bush was informed by former White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, of PayPal's decision to keep the President's PayPal account on limited status.

President Bush's PayPal account was put on limited status by PayPal back in August. PayPal has declined comment and the White House is claiming "PayPal had no legitimate reason or reasons to limit the President's account."

Anonymous officials commenting from within PayPal claim the President's PayPal account was limited because it was linked to a PayPal account which was used to purchase online pornography. This account had been traced back to former President Clinton -- a former occupant of the White House. Clinton denied the accusations back in August claiming, "I never had business relations with that company, PayPal."

Widely considered retaliation against PayPal, Bush placed PayPal on his list of those terrorist countries he calls the "Axis of Evil." Sources within PayPal deny that the President's most recent actions contributed to PayPal's refusal to lift the account limitations. PayPal spokesperson, Mehment Horn only had this to say: "The President's account was treated as any other PayPal account. It was placed on limited status because we felt like it. The account and the funds therein will be released when we feel like it. If we feel like it."

President Bush was visibly stunned when told of PayPal's decision. White House officials are mum on their next move. It is widely believed, however, that President Bush will retaliate. President Bush's private counsel has reportedly informed the President that any any legal actions against PayPal would have to take place at Santa Clara County, California -- per the PayPal User Agreement.

The PayPal User Agreement does not mention any restrictions on when and where military action can take place.


PayPal User Agreement Modified: Arbitrations Now Conducted at Amityville, New York

Amityville, New York -- PayPal spokesperson, Memnock Horn announced PayPal Inc. will be making another change to PayPal's widely controversial User Agreement (Terms of Service). Effective immediately, all those wishing to file a dispute with PayPal must do so through binding arbitration at PayPal's new Binding Arbitration Headquarters at Amityville, New York.

Located at 112 Ocean Avenue, the former family house built on an Algonquin Indian burial ground, will host hundreds of PayPal customers seeking redress from problems and disputes with PayPal.

Asked why this location was chosen considering the thousands of other options available to a billion dollar corporation such as PayPal, Horn claimed the house in Amityville, "was the perfect place to resolve disputes. The decisions made in that house are binding and forever." Horn finished by saying the new arbitration center will ensure PayPal ends up with fewer long term disputes and legal actions in the long run.

Joe and Melissa Geister were the first PayPal customers to arrive at the new arbitration center. Per the User Agreement, they arrived Friday night at midnight. Sources within PayPal claim "negotiations are still occurring as we speak."

Employees who work at the new Arbitration Headquarters are unknown. It is rumored that there is one employee there called "Jody."

A phone call from a woman claiming to be Melissa Geister claimed the negotiations were not going well. Claimed the woman, "As soon as we arrived, we heard voices telling us to `Get Out´." The call abruptly ended, and there has been no word from inside the house since.

Local Catholic Priest, John O'Reliy, remained unconvinced that PayPal's new Binding Arbitration Headquarters would "solve problems."


PayPal Announces New Public Relations Director...David Duke

San Jose, California -- Shocking the business world once again, PayPal announced today the hiring of a new PayPal Director of Public Relations. Claiming they needed a person who was capable of working with all segments of the general public, it was announced that former Ku Klux Klan leader and ex Louisiana State Representative David Duke had been tapped to take on the role.

PayPal Spokesperson, Mehmet Horn, made his customary -- and unusual --appearance in a puff of smoke. Getting down to business, he explained that PayPal has hired the ex Louisiana politician "to build bridges and consensus" across the unique American divide. "Mr. Duke will be responsible for highlighting the positive qualities of PayPal while using his enormous ability to minimalize the negative. We are confident that Mr. Duke will be able to keep the public in the dark, as well as you, the media, in the dark about future PayPal wrongdoings and scandals."

During a brief question and answer period, Mr. Horn was asked about any special considerations Mr. Duke asked for as a condition of his employment. "Yes, as a condition of Mr. Duke's employment, Mr. Duke asked that PayPal make a public acknowledgement denying the Holocaust ever happened. PayPal is prepared to make such a statement now: The Holocaust did not happen."

Before the rumblings of the audience became a roar, Mr. Horn dismissed the news conference and disappeared.


 

New PayPal Branded ATMs Surprises and Delights Public

Topeka, Kansas -- Pamela Watson, of Topeka, Kansas, loves PayPal's new animal style branded ATM machines. "You never know what you are going to get out of them," explained the excited PayPal Debit card holder. "I mean, my account was limited, but I still got something out." Mrs. Watson proudly held up her sack of fresh elephant sized scat.

In announcing this new charm offensive, PayPal Chief Technology Office, Borg Queen, explained the animal themed ATMs will help lure "unsuspecting and naive Americans" into using the PayPal branded debit card. PayPal has suffered a decline in card holders over the last 12 months due to arbitrary account freezings and denial of funds to their rightful owners.

The new animal themed ATMs will always give the user something upon initiating a withdrawal. Users with accounts in good standing will be able to withdraw their funds at over 1 million locations; however, those with limited accounts will find the only thing they will be able to withdraw from the rear end of the animal themed ATMs is exactly what would come out of a real elephant's behind -- puh poo.

PayPal commented in the following statement: "We reasoned that it would be an appropriate gesture to shower our customers with limited accounts in steamy, warm animal feces. It's a fun way to find out you are persona non grata with PayPal."

So far, results among the general public have been glowing. Claimed Troy Millward, of Topeka, "It sure beats finding out that PayPal's got your money through an email. At least we can all laugh at ourselves when the scat showers down on us. I mean, emails are boring. Besides, PayPal can keep my money frozen for 6 months -- because that's about how long its gonna take me to wipe all this elephant crap off me."

PayPal has announced plans for a new Blue Whale themed ATM in the coming future. It is unsure where PayPal is going to get all the whale scat from.


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