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President Bush Stuns Television Audience
Crawford, Texas -- The White House is in spin mode this evening. White House aides are trying to explain President Bush's unusual display of public anger witnessed by millions of viewers on CNN's "Larry King Live" program yesterday evening.
Seconds before the end of an announced commercial break, President Bush was informed his PayPal account had been "limited" because it was linked to another user account that was used to fund the purchase of online pornography. The suspect PayPal account was opened in 1998 using the same White House IP address that President Bush was using.
The President then reportedly said, "Those fuckin' bastards! Ya mean my payment didn't go through for that Hank Williams thing?" Continuing his angry soloquy, the President prominently displayed his middle finger to the cameras just as the next live segment began. President Bush punctuated his obscene gesture with a loud, "Fuck you, PayPal. I got almost four grand in that account!"
President Bush immediately realized his faux paw and apologized to a stunned and speechless Larry King. At the program's end, Mr. King promised to invite President Bush back for another discussion on America's declining morals and what politicians can do about it.
The White House released a statement this morning saying "...Bush had every right to loose his temper. It's what any American would have done upon finding out a company froze your account based on the actions of others." PayPal would not provide any information to the White House or President Bush about the account limitation citing "3rd party privacy concerns." White House officials however claim to have traced the linked account to former President Clinton.
Reached at his Harlem, NY office, former President Clinton denied any link to the PayPal account used to buy online pornography. "I did not have business relations with that company -- PayPal," Clinton explained.
President Bush remains angry, and White House officials are mum on their next course of action. White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, vowed to "file an immediate appeal" with PayPal once they are able to contact a customer service representative.
PayPal Unveils New Mascot
Palo Alto, California -- Standing in front of an enthusiastic crowd of 16 Ebay and PayPal employees, PaPal President, Rajiv Dutta unveiled the new face of America's leading e-commerce company. "As PayPal grows, we want a symbol which reflects the spirit of this company -- a face that consumers and competitors alike can remember when they have their PayPal experience," Mr. Dutta remarked.
The unveiling was a long awaited announcement from PayPal Inc. PayPal announced back in April, 2005 of its plans to give its company a public face. The short ceremony was followed by a Las Vegas style all-you-can-eat caviar, cheese, wine and hamburger buffet. Explained Mr. Dutta,"PayPal has ample cash reserves. We want to treat our employees right."
PayPal Vows Deathstar will be Fully Operational by Christmas
Palo Alto, California -- Flush with cash and emboldened by the mysterious destruction of Google Headquarters, PayPal, Inc., an Ebay Company, announced it was moving forward with plans to have its new Anti-Fraud Deathstar (AFD) fully operational by the holiday season.
PayPal's Chief Technical Officer, Scott Simpson, said that in order to maintain -- and reduce -- PayPal's low .049 percent fraud rate, "New and innovative solutions must be found." Mr. Simpson explained the AFD will be responsible for ensuring all PayPal users comply with the Terms of Service agreement, that all transactions used with PayPal are legitimate and insure punishment is meted out to violators. Mr. Simpson refused to comment on how the Deathstar would "mete out punishment." All technical aspects of the moon-sized Deathstar have been closely guarded by PayPal.
PayPal has been criticized over the years for its arbitrary and aggressive account limitations and terminations. In 2004, PayPal settled a class action lawsuit against it without admitting any wrongdoing. Mr. Simpson concluded his remarks by saying the AFD will dramatically reduce the number of complaints against PayPal as well as improve customer service to PayPal members in good standing. PayPal's stock price surged 6 percent on the news.
PayPal Employee Earns His GED
Omaha, Nebraska -- It took six years, but PayPal fraud detection agent Jacob J. Snuggles earned his GED. Mr. Snuggles has been an employee at PayPal's service center in Omaha, Nebraska since December 2001.
Initially, when Mr. Snuggles applied for the position of fraud detection agent, a high school diploma or GED was required. PayPal's fraud detection agents are responsible for such things as contacting account holders in an effort to verify activity and mitigate loss, working fraud queues, service requests and other items processing potential fraud, analyze account history and trends to make sure all appropriate restriction and dismissal decisions are made on reviewed accounts, and to properly employ complex statistical algorithms to suspect accounts.
Sandra Peters, PayPal's long time chief of Fraud Detection, said, "Mr. Snuggles made a very good first impression. I knew right away he was the kind of employee PayPal was looking for. Additionally, he had an impressive background in the customer service field."
We have confirmed that Jacob Snuggles worked for Outer Space Burgers from 1999 to 2001. Mr. Snuggles was promoted five times, ending up as Outer Space Burgers' assistant fry cook. Reportedly, an incident involving Mr. Snuggles and a wad of warm hamburger meat suddenly limited his advancement prospects. That is when Jacob J. Snuggles applied for a job at PayPal during a period of growth in which the California based company was looking for more quality employees.
"I didn't give it a second thought," demurred human resources director Tilly Lipmann. "I hired him on the spot on the condition that he begin the process of earning his high school equivalency."
During an after hours party for PayPal's star fraud detection agent, Mr. Snuggles was further stunned to find out he had been given a raise and a new job on PayPal's Anti-Fraud Deathstar. Mr. Snuggles vowed to tell his mother about everything as soon as he got home.
PayPal Limits Snack Machine Button B5
Palo Alto, California -- Surprised PayPal workers were dissapointed on Thursday after finding out button B5 on the break room snack machine was limited due to "suspicious activity."
By Thursday afternoon, Snicker starved employees rallied in front of parent company Ebay's headquarters demanding action. Ebay headquarters also serves as the official headquarters for PayPal, Inc.
One worker described the action to limit the snack machine as "outrageous." One employee, speaking on the condition of anonimity, said, "How could they just do that without telling us? We depend on that machine for food." Said another PayPal employee, "It's just not right they have the power to do something for no reason." Paypal spokesman Joshua Childs refused to comment citing privacy concerns.
Inside sources at Paypal however say that "supicious activity" was connected with the use of the B5 button. The button was used to withdraw excessive amounts of Snickers bars.That caused the snack machine to be flagged by PayPal's fraud detection system. Omaha, Nebraska fraud agent Jacob J. Snuggles was also credited with detecting the unusual activity.
Workers associated with the snack machine's use must now fax certain documentation such as identification and a utility bill before PayPal will review the situation further.